I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
