Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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