Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just pee around me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
