how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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