I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
