I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
This toilet bowl is my home.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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