i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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