3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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