I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
