So drunk its hurt
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Come share oat with me in your robe
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
