apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
