so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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