So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
