Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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