They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
