Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
