tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
