New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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