I smell stomach acid.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i came on her dog
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
