Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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