i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
