): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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