Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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