its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
