I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
