Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
third nipple confirmed
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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