i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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