got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
