I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
