I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
