I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
