My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
