# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
