just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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