WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
