Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
