Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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