Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
