the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
