I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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