Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
