I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
