wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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