my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
