if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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