I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
