i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
