we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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