Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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