Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You ate ashes out of my bong
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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