You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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