I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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