If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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