I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
