now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
