why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
